The Painstake

I've been wondering when I will catch your eye, probably never so it's time to force issue on you and make the first move, but wait, am I really going to do this and step over this line knowing that it will raise behind me from the ground like gates to seal me in, there's no going back from this. So I eased into cautiousness and proposed Christmas meetings because maybe our paths could just cross over other commitments. You liked it because it was plausible and so did I, it was an unspoken fact that we noted between us. The place was dark and red and blue and I stuck to the floor by the bar in spilt beer and liquor and the scent was sour and static but you were there and I barely noticed. Memories of four years ago washed away the awkwardness and we toasted to how everything changes but nothing has changed. I really liked your glasses and your ripped jeans and your converse and your badges and the way you painted your nails black like you always did. You were an enigma and I couldn't unravel you or figure you out but we sank all the beer that we could and went out into the night and we were rain smattered and laughing and we smoked the last fags we had under streetlights. I had visions of holding your waist in my hands and it was real and forever and we were magnets. Next there was a "Don't forget to keep in touch" conversation and you were waving at me from behind dusty glass and I was smoking alone on the bleak city street with half a dream lived out and no questions answered, like, what if I was stronger and maybe more sure? Could I have done more to keep you close? Was I a fool just dreaming about these things while all the time you were begging for me to reach out and grab us? The questions are infinate, and was that my chance just gone?